Witless in America

In a dastardly turn of events it appears that, the Republicans have lost control of the House and so has Kevin Federline. Britney Spears in apparently the first sane thing she has done in several years has filed for divorce from the 15 minutes of fame wanna be. Never having been a fan of Spear’s music I still feel this half dim wit has received some horrible advice since beginning her career outside of Mickey Mouse. I had hoped that she would do the right thing and leave triple quarter wit and marry Donald Duck, but Donald is presently engaged to Daisy so that ain’t going to happen.

In an equally troubling tale over in London, I mean down in London, well okay London Kentucky another wit loss champion died from snake bites incurred during church services. The woman, messing around with something she clearly had no reason to be handling, was bit, she died. Rumors are still circulating that even though dead, she still remained stupid.

So what will now change in the United States of witless voters? After performing exhaustive research and interviewing a broad sample of the American public tonight, namely my brother the following will occur with startling speed by tomorrow morning and continue until the next election, nothing.

Embryonic stem cell research with the election of a Democrap will now produce a cure for Michael J. Fox by late this afternoon and in an amazing development, Christopher Reed will be dug up and cured of paralysis. It may take until Thursday morning, but I expect all other diseases known to mankind to be eliminated by this research.

The minimum wage seems poised to be raised to about $7 in a clear hoopla for supporters of the various iterations of the bill. However, what some employees making minimum wage failed to realize is that this is not the minimum wage at all. Beginning tomorrow employers will begin to examine which of their current minimum wage employees will leave their firms to pay for those getting the raise. The minimum wage for those leaving will soon be exposed as zero dollars per hour.

Way up in Michigan, a local school has pulled the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn because one girl in the class was sensitive to the story. Using period of the times language, Mark Twain used words and language to portray a slave as slightly uneducated but also worldly. They are now looking into whether to pull all math books from the same school, as it appears one of the boys in fifth grade was offended by the hard work involved in learning multiplication. Because of this breaking story we now know that there is a black girl in the class, the story has remained as it was for 120 years and that Taylor School District is made up of morons.

In Pennsylvania, a federal judge has blocked the arrests of illegal wetbacks by saying in perfect logic that arresting these criminals would force some businesses that cater to them to close. I also understand he will soon be looking at past and future arrests of arsonists, as he believes their arrest causes them to engage in other lines of employment for which they may not be qualified such as the construction of license plates.

In another heart-wrenching story, an Indian college in Californian is thinking it may have to close its doors. It seems the current student body of 6 students has been drifting away and calls to the college have remained unanswered, but that is because they cannot afford to pay for their one telephone on campus. While the school administration is franticly looking at ways to keep the school, open, cooler minds were looking into whether any of the school administration ever had one lick of brains.

In perhaps the most amazing display of ignorance during the evening voters who believed the election over will find that 4PM EST that campaigns for the presidency in 2008 will have begun because they ignore implementing strict term limits.