Coat Drive Alert

As the holidays approach, I try to do good for my fellow man, but sometimes things don’t go exactly as you would like. In a very disappointing development recently, scientists have declared that no life exists on the Saturn moon Titan. Titan, the largest moon in the solar system has intrigued scientists and me for years because of its dense atmosphere. The recent probe Huygens confirmed that the moon’s atmosphere is primary nitrogen and methane, fart gas for short. I had held out hope that we had finally found a place to send senate Dumpocraps where they would feel at home. Unfortunately, its surface temperature is about minus 180 Celsius and I am not the heartless and callous conservative some think I am.

Titan would have proved an ideal location to provide a home for them, as there is no Iraq, no global warming, and no shortage of gas, natural or otherwise. Since 9/11, the Dumpocraps senators have let more methane escape their body orifices than any other time in history and the damage they were doing to our own world has been very near incalculable.

On Titan, a world rich in methane exists where they would have felt very much at home. I haven’t given up hope though and in the spirit of helping, my fellow man I have devised a solution that even the most liberal among you would approve. I am starting a coat drive to help keep them warm upon their arrival. If anyone has a used coat and would like to donate it, please register in the comment field and I will send you instructions where to drop off your donation in Washington. I am furiously looking into a meals-on-wheels program for congressional house Dumpocraps that would be in keeping with my environmentally safe nature. The planet Mercury is looking promising because of the natural radiant heat.

Remember each coat you send can provide some much-needed warmth to a Dumpocraptic senator, so please have a heart, and donate today.